"I look like a f**king FBI Agent" - Hank Moody, Californication
"I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested" - Sheldon, Big Bang Theory
"Hey, You may think I'm done, but you overestimate me" - Jake Haper, Two and a Half Men
"When my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass" - Red Foreman, That 70s Show
"He keeps resisting but it's in his blood. I come from a long line of dancing Dunphys. A kickline actually." - Phil Dunphy, Modern Family
"I'm not even attracted to you. I was wearing rehab goggles" - Jessa, Girls
"I finally found the one Marshall. Her name is bacon" - Marshall, How I Met Your Mother
"Oh this is terrible.. she's quoting scripture but using a ton of cuss words" - Nick, New Girl
"There has never been a sadness never cured by breakfast food" - Ron, Parks and Recreation
"I can't bring someone back once they're gator shit" - Misty Day, American Horror Story
"That's gotta be a real knee to the emotional nutsack" - Pam, Archer
"You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! That's hard!" - Sue Sylvester, Glee
"The Pill's like 50 bucks a month, that's more than it costs to raise a damn baby" - Max, 2 Broke Girls
"It was Halloween, that special time of year where students everywhere honored the dead by dressing as sluts." - Jenna, Awkward
"I used to think you were a yellow dandelion, but you are all dried up with the puff blown off. But that's all right. You are who you are like I am who I am." - Crazy Eyes, Orange is the New Black
"I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream." - Michael, The Office
"A demon and an angel walk into my brother. It sounds like a bad joke." Dean, Supernatural
""I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."- George, Seinfeld
"Nice try, Gob. If I wanted to see bad acting, I'd see Tobias in "A Jew Came to Dinner." - Michael, Arrested Development
"By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I'm not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint--it wasn't on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls" -Peter Griffin, Family Guy
"I hate his name, Harry, because he is, everywhere but his head." - Charolette, Sex and the City
"If we're gonna turn this company around, we gotta start cutting the crust off this sh*t sandwich! - Frank, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
"The dragons are still just on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy weiners in my face!" - Butters, South Park
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